Reflections on Diversity’s Promise for Higher Education

I used to work at a small liberal arts college in a well-placed cornfield in southern Indiana. It was a terribly isolating and completely life changing experience. I walked into my time at Hanover with fear. That’s the appropriate word. I was afraid of the loneliness and onlyness that came with being one of few people of color in the county and even fewer at the institution. There were millions of reasons why I should have said no to the job and only one big reason why I was taking it… I felt God pulling me there.

The early years were tough. There were so many times when I walked into the local restaurants and felt the world screech to a halt as everyone realized that a black woman had entered the building. I’ve been stared down by confederate flag wearing men in grocery stores. People randomly grabbed my hair. I was the representative for all Black people on all the occasions. AND once, while driving back from a college fair, I found myself passing through a Trimble county Klan Rally. Yup Klan rally.

My home/work life (because I lived on the campus these experiences were inseparable) was a continuous love-hate relationship. I believed in Hanover, the place and the people. It was a genuine and warm place but the microaggressions were plentiful. That was hard to unpack. I needed these folks and I needed them to be good people and when you first begin social justice work, its really hard to not separate internalized oppression and the overall character of an individual. (This is still difficult and truth be told sometimes people aren’t good people.) But I had to learn that sometimes people have a want to be good and an internal leaning towards white supremacy.

A bigger challenge was coming to terms with the fact that these problematically good people had created some equally problematic systems and policies that negatively impacted marginalized folks. As the designated diversity staff member, it was my responsibility to point out and dismantle these policies. A great deal of vulnerability came along with this. I was an outsider in every possible way. My work seemed to be and totally was attacking the White status quo of the institution. All the White fragility… so many White tears. I cannot take credit for changing all of Hanover, but I can certainly be proud that a great deal of change came at my expense.

I say all of this to say, I appreciate Darryl Smith’s holistic approach to institutional change. As someone who has felt extremely marginalized and solely responsible for transforming an institution, I find her willingness to call out institutional Whiteness and its constant vigilance in protecting the White status quo both refreshing and long overdue. It wasn’t until reading the section of Smith’s writing that called out the unfairness that is being an administrator of color in higher education, that I finally reflected on the pain and pleasure that came along with my time in Hanover. It was honestly second nature, experience oppression while attempting to undo it.

I often feel guilty for beginning my reflections on Hanover with the not so nice moments of my time there but I can talk about my triumphs with out clearly outlining the truth about the environment. We couldn't have achieved triumph in Hanover without being honest about the environment.