Thinking About Thinking

Reflections on Saldaña's Chapter 1:

I've always considered myself to be pensive. Yet, until combing through Saldaña's chapter 1, I've never fully processed my own "process" of thinking. Thankfully qualitative research is seemingly compatible with the way I "naturally do things". The chapter has been helpful in highlighting opportunities for my continued development as a researcher.

In my first year as an APU student, I discovered that my epistemology is centered on constructivism. After reading the chapter, I revisited my first paper.
      [Constructivism is knowledge constructed in conjunction with the individual experience. (Crotty, 2003; Feast, 2010; Takacs, 2003) Those who subscribe to constructivism believe that understanding is formed as the mind interacts with the world. (Feast, 2010) Crotty (2003) explains, “There is no objective truth waiting for us to discover it.  Truth, or meaning, comes into existence in and out of our engagement with the realities in our world.  There is no meaning without a mind. Meaning is not discovered, but constructed” (pp. 8-9). Constructivism recognizes the importance of the phenomenon and research rooted in participant observation. (Feast, 2010) Constructivism equally values the scientific and non-scientific aspects of research. (Feast, 2010) Mixed method research, the blending of quantitative and qualitative research, is most compatible to this form of epistemology.]

From the reading I identified the following components to my lens:
Black - Woman - Higher Ed Practitioner - Cisgender - Heterosexual - Middle Class -Differently Abled - Womanist

I will continue to reflect on this chapter throughout my research.

Trouble in My Way

Trouble in my way... A message for my people in 2017... Blog Post

Listen... my parents, grandparents, great grandparents (ancestors) sang these songs and they made sure that I knew them too. These are elements of my self care, part of the narrative of Black Liberation Theology. They are the evidence of the continued struggle of my people towards freedom in this country. They are the battle cries of our resilience and resistance. In a world and among people that intentionally dispute our value, they are the reaffirmation of our humanity. They embody the defiance that we demonstrate simply by existing in the face of all that attempted/ attempts to kill us.

On their surface they seem to indicate the complacency of our spirit in the face of adversity. But they, like the spirituals that they descended from, were always meant to appear less powerful or impactful to our oppressors. Our captors impose our suffering without understanding the complexity of our souls or the power of our minds, therefor they are ignorant to our strength. Our oppressors believe the things they say about us... so to them, our songs indicate that all we would do in our struggle is lazily pray pain away and sit silently in wait of a savior.

Think it through...
       - Trouble in my way ( I am on the way to a place, a space, a freedom that I do not occupy and something/ someone/ some injustice is attempting to stop me.)

         - I have to cry sometimes ( I am human, I am frustrated, I am pained because I can't get to what I deserve. I am allowed to release this. I have through this struggle been taught to care for myself. This is how I have survived when others could not.)

         - Trouble in my way. I have to cry sometimes. (Regardless of the persistence of the trouble, I still got somewhere to go and it don't matter if I'm still crying or if you still causing me trouble cause I'm still moving forward cause I got somewhere to be)

            - I lay awake at night but that's alright ( Yeah I'm tired. No I can't sleep, cause I have something to accomplish and I don't trust you or my surroundings, so I got to stay alert and moving. I'm WOKE. I see you)

            - Cause I know Jesus, he will fix it, after while. (When I get to where I'm going, I'm going to be fixed up/restored and... my trouble (oppression/injustice/antagonizer/prince/principality/"president" whoever you pretending to be these days) gone get dealt wit. It may not come to you today, but when you finally get dealt with... you gone get all the hell you planned for me and more.

If you don't know these old songs, if nobody ever told you, gone find you an old Big mama/ Madea (mother dear)/ Mother of the Church/ Big daddy/ PawPaw/ Deacon... and get your tool kit for resistance... and come on here cause we got work to do.
Trouble in My Way Medley

Confessions: The Burden of Wokeness

As a PhD student at Azusa Pacific University, I was required to write a blog on the integration of my faith and my academic study on the issues of race and social justice in higher education. Throughout the course I have struggled, not in the academic sense. The subject matter was by no means foreign for me. I have struggled emotionally. I sat down several times with the intent of writing this blog and kept feeling... physically feeling... myself hit the roadblock. I’m struggling with these words because it’s hard as hell to be Black, a Woman, a Christian, Working in Higher Education and Woke all at the same time. In a world of oppression, being a member of one of the most clearly and consistently marginalized racial groups is typically enough trouble for one to handle but to be Black and a woman feels like more than double the trouble. Reconciling the gravity of these marginalizations within the context of Christianity and the consistent missteps of the Higher Education profession tends to be a constant struggle of turning the other cheek or activating a never-ending blind eye.

Being “woke” in the face of all these things is nothing short of a burden… a burden that insures a running ticker of constant questions challenging my commitment to invest in cultures and communities that have consistently proven that they mean me and mine no good.

In the last year or so everyone and their mama has been attempting to prove their wokeness to the masses. A think piece here, and clever Lorde or Baldwin quote there. A bold declaration that you have awakened to see the world for who it truly is and how it chooses to see, manipulate, and harm you or others. Urban dictionary defines wokeness in terms of “knowing what’s going on in the community.” I think wokeness is the deliberate action of being honest, regardless of the pain or frustration that it will bring you, about ones environment or reality. Of course there is beauty in truth…and once you know better you do better… and <insert any bogus statement that is meant to make one feel better about having to deal with disappointment in one form or another>.

Being Woke as a Black Woman and Working in Higher Ed… #AllTheStruggle. This issue is so convoluted that this sentence alone has taken me an hour to write. What does it mean to support and uplift women of color while modeling oppression for them? Am I teaching you to code switch or am I teaching you the language and functionality of our marginalization?

It’s being driven to ascend to the mountain top but knowing that there are rules, regulations, and principalities that still question a woman’s ability to not just climb but also lead.

It’s knowing that even those who believe that women can make it… never meant Black women but are way to savvy to ever say it in dignified company, or are they.

It’s fighting for access for marginalized students, but knowing that they more than likely will share classrooms or quite possibly be graded by a bigot.

It’s knowing that my professional mobility is dependent on top notch credentials and an extensive track record of excellence while my White and/or male counterparts are statistically proven to travel farther based on a good ol’ boy or their kissing cousins.

It is knowing, and thinking, feeling, and living all of these things and still having the courage to keep going…Because you know that its been a long time coming… but change will only come at the end of a well played game… and You feel responsible to play the game.

Being Woke as a Black Woman, and Giving Honor to God, Who is the Head of Your Life, While Acknowledging that the Practice of Christianity and Christians are Problematic AF is difficult.

There, I said it. No one with good sense can look at this past election, with all its racism and bigotry and not notice that the majority of folks cheering it all on claim to be followers of Jesus. But how can one be “woke” and not acknowledge that Christians and Christianity has been cheering on BS since Jesus dipped out on his 11 homies after his resurrection. Christians and Christianity have been gas-lighting folks since forever. Conquest, rape, slavery, colonialism, murder, genocide, homophobia, classism. racism, misogyny, and oppression, Oppression, OPPRESSION.

How can folks claim to follow Jesus while leaving such a wake of destruction? Consistently. It’s hard to be Black Woke and Christian and not feel the pain of acknowledging that the middle passage and all the hell that came from it was facilitated by followers of Jesus.

What does one do with the knowledge that Christianity was literally given to my ancestors with the intent of controlling them and subsequently controlling me?

How can I have serious conversations with White Christians about our supposed “shared” faith and know that White supremacy to this day infects them and unfortunately me as well?

How can I sit up in the good ol Black Baptist Church Sunday after Sunday and watch Black folk model their oppression with the same messages of liberation and freedom that have been poured down from misogynistic pulpit to pulpit, and lapped up by misused and under supported Black women?

How sad is it that even in this critique I know that someone will question my love for the Lord or my trust in perfect will and that I am conflicted about defending myself or even playing into this age old TIRED conversation?

Its wrestling constantly with the beauty of Jesus and the demon of the social constructions and manipulations of religion…It’s hard…painful… indescribable…

I’ve written nearly 1000 words and don’t know that I’ve said anything. I guess the fact that you can read this and walk away confused might clearly communicate how genuinely conflicted I am. In reflecting on this semester, I realized that I walked into each reading searching for hope. Looking for something that would make my chosen path less difficult. I wanted the lit to prove me wrong… to challenge the negative truth I know… I am struggling to remain motivated toward what I feel purposed to do…Alas… It is what it is… I’ve said what I’ve said.

Reflections on Diversity’s Promise for Higher Education

I used to work at a small liberal arts college in a well-placed cornfield in southern Indiana. It was a terribly isolating and completely life changing experience. I walked into my time at Hanover with fear. That’s the appropriate word. I was afraid of the loneliness and onlyness that came with being one of few people of color in the county and even fewer at the institution. There were millions of reasons why I should have said no to the job and only one big reason why I was taking it… I felt God pulling me there.

The early years were tough. There were so many times when I walked into the local restaurants and felt the world screech to a halt as everyone realized that a black woman had entered the building. I’ve been stared down by confederate flag wearing men in grocery stores. People randomly grabbed my hair. I was the representative for all Black people on all the occasions. AND once, while driving back from a college fair, I found myself passing through a Trimble county Klan Rally. Yup Klan rally.

My home/work life (because I lived on the campus these experiences were inseparable) was a continuous love-hate relationship. I believed in Hanover, the place and the people. It was a genuine and warm place but the microaggressions were plentiful. That was hard to unpack. I needed these folks and I needed them to be good people and when you first begin social justice work, its really hard to not separate internalized oppression and the overall character of an individual. (This is still difficult and truth be told sometimes people aren’t good people.) But I had to learn that sometimes people have a want to be good and an internal leaning towards white supremacy.

A bigger challenge was coming to terms with the fact that these problematically good people had created some equally problematic systems and policies that negatively impacted marginalized folks. As the designated diversity staff member, it was my responsibility to point out and dismantle these policies. A great deal of vulnerability came along with this. I was an outsider in every possible way. My work seemed to be and totally was attacking the White status quo of the institution. All the White fragility… so many White tears. I cannot take credit for changing all of Hanover, but I can certainly be proud that a great deal of change came at my expense.

I say all of this to say, I appreciate Darryl Smith’s holistic approach to institutional change. As someone who has felt extremely marginalized and solely responsible for transforming an institution, I find her willingness to call out institutional Whiteness and its constant vigilance in protecting the White status quo both refreshing and long overdue. It wasn’t until reading the section of Smith’s writing that called out the unfairness that is being an administrator of color in higher education, that I finally reflected on the pain and pleasure that came along with my time in Hanover. It was honestly second nature, experience oppression while attempting to undo it.

I often feel guilty for beginning my reflections on Hanover with the not so nice moments of my time there but I can talk about my triumphs with out clearly outlining the truth about the environment. We couldn't have achieved triumph in Hanover without being honest about the environment. 

Sometimes You Have to Speak a Word Over Yourself....

*SoapBox Encouragements*

Today it feels like good is out numbered by the forces of evil (racism, sexisms, homophobia, and all the other phobias and isms too)... BUT that is not the truth. Evil just so happens to be screaming louder.

First, we must accept that today and the last few weeks have royally sucked. We have a president elect that is an admitted sexual predator and bigot, a Vice President elect that is a million times more evil, Islamaphobic and homophobic, and an incoming presidential cabinet filled with bigots of all flavors. We got a rise in violent acts of racism and bias. Children have been acting out in hateful ways within schools. Folks are vandalizing churches, and so on and so forth.

Here is a bit of a reality check... though the electoral votes and these crazy folks running amok would have us believe that the majority of our country is bigoted, the popular vote tells a different story... We have not been outnumbered, we have been out-witted.

 If we want to maintain this path toward justice, peace, and inclusivity, we've got to keep speaking up. We have to continue to speak truth in the face of lies. We have to speak for ourselves and not allow base sound bites built on prejudice to define or synopsize our lived experiences. We have to believe and emphasize our value and our presence even when everything these forces do attempt to make us believe otherwise. We must build bridges with our allies. Find the courage to take on political positions. We must build networks of protection for ourselves and for those who do not possess our privileges. We must gain access to the spaces that they are trying to keep us out of. We will organize. We will maintain. We will resist. We will fight. We will protect. uplift. Energize. Empower. Revive ourselves. We will as we always have. We can and we must.

And when the history is written. It will be our names on the side of good. Our names on the side of victory. That within us is greater. Our unity is the culmination of all of their fears.

We indeed are the change we have been waiting for. First we prove this to ourselves and then we take on the hate of our world.

àṣẹ

#BlogPost #SpeakOverYourself #ImEncouraged #IAmTheChange #FightingBack #HateWontWin

Still Exhausted...Memories of Mourning and Teaching

Monica Johnson feeling exhausted.

July 6 · 

A note of advice for my well meaning White friends and associates. Today is not a day to debate race and police brutality with your friends of color, specifically those that are Black. We may not know Alton Sterling personally, but we know these circumstances and this feeling extremely well. This sense of fear and violation has been implanted in our psyche for centuries. As far back as the slave trade, slave hunters, lynchings, unleashed dogs, burnings, rapes, assaults... We as a people have been afraid to BE.

I live in constant fear... You probably haven't noticed because I work very hard to hide it. I fear for my life, my husbands life, my family in other states, my students... I am most anxiously afraid about the prospect of having black babies. I am scared to be put in the position to lose or explain this type of loss to my babies.

So today, I don't have it in me to teach you, model for you, perform for you. I'm not up for the thrill of a spirited debate. These ain't just words and fun conversations for me. This is a real life that I'm struggling every single day just to live. I do not currently possess the emotional fortitude, nor should you expect me to.

If you want to change the problem, figure out what you can do to fix a culture that allows for the continued murder of black and brown bodies without consequence. Figure out why certain agencies are overrun with individuals with problematic past and ideologies of race. Figure out how you can work to dismantle racism and its perpetuation in dominantly White communities.

Today... While we figure out once again how to love ourselves past fear, pain, and hopelessness... Work on you and yours.

#StopKillingUs #BlackLivesMatter #AltonSterling
#WorkOnYou

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Nancy Cobb · Friends with Anna Marsh Selby

I totally agree with you. I am white and I am afraid for myself, husband and children. 

They should go to jail for murder. Period. 

But during the last year I just have a question for Black lives Matter? Why not put all the energy into the communities that have an overwhelming crime rate on Black on Black murders?? 

It's just a question don't cuss me out or call me names. Just asking. I know a lot of people have the same question? It always seems to be for racism.

Like · Reply · 7 · July 6 at 2:59pm

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Monica Johnson Joe Nancy Cobb... I am not going to cuss you out or call you names.... I am confused as to why you would assume that name calling and cursing would be the automatic response in this instance. 

This question however is case and point of the overall purpose of my original point...I am not interested in debating with you. I would prefer not to have to break down years of knowledge and research on topics like implicit bias, the systematic disenfranchisement of people of color, the building of poverty, the confinement of people of color to targeted and purposefully underresourced areas, and so on and so forth. 

I would suggest you do your own comprehensive research. 

I would suggest you research the overall efforts of the Black Lives Matter movement and their organizers. Deray Mckissick (one of the leaders) is actually extremely instrumental in community change in Baltimore. 

I would suggest you research what people of color do in their own communities. 

I am confident that their is a plethora of knowledge to be found. I however shall not take on the responsibility of providing it for you. 

Have a wonderful day.

Like · Reply · 38 · July 6 at 3:11pm

Like · Reply · 1 · July 6 at 9:53pm · Edited

Kyla LaNette Mckillip · Friends with Chantel White

This is what pisses me off. I understand not wanting to debate right after a tragic situation, but this woman asked a GENUINE question that I believe she has a fair point in asking. Just because we are tired, frustrated, and scared does not mean that we should be so blunt and hateful to white people who really want to gain understanding. The only way to solve ignorance is through education. Period. What kills me about our people is that we HATE to be generalized, but you wouldn't believe how many black people I see generalizing white people. It's complete hypocrisy. I grew up with a white mother and although she doesn't understand every aspect of my fears for my black son...she wants to learn and help stop the hate. That's what we NEED. People of all colors to understand our pain so we can unite and create change

Like · Reply · 9 · July 6 at 9:50pm · Edited

Nancy Cobb · Friends with Anna Marsh Selby

Kyla LaNette Mckillip 
Thank you. That was the reason for the question. I want to gain understanding and possibly try to help. If you knew me personally, you would know I'm not racist at all. I have more black friends than white. I hate the police and I've seen my share of police brutality and it pisses me off. They abuse their power and it needs to stop. I worry everyday for my own family from the over reacting police. If the wall of racism could be torn down I believe we could help each other.

Like · Reply · 2 · July 6 at 10:17pm

Kristen Bailey Wolf Well Joe I hope you read my comments and have gained the understanding you sought and that you never have to ask this racist question again. Though I'm gonna be honest and say I am certain you will.

Like · Reply · 5 · July 6 at 10:35pm

Adrian Hill ^^^ Right. She thanked the dummy who defended her right to ask ignorance but never demonstrated understanding of why the question is foolish...

I mean, do you at least get why that question is bullshit?????? Your Black friends might appreciate if you got that.

Like · Reply · 3 · July 6 at 10:37pm

Monica Johnson Joe Nancy Cobb, I understand that you may have approached this situation with the best of intentions. I would like to offer a legitimate explanation for the reception that you are receiving. Please accept this in the manner that it is given...

1) After I sincerely asked in my post for my well intentioned white friends and associates to not attempt to enter into a debate on this day and around this subject, you followed up with just that. Your question, posted at this very moment, was offered up to begin a debate. I and probably all of the Black folks you know are tired and triggered. Now wasn't the time and this post wasn't the place. 

2) Your question is considered a deflection, meaning it shifts the conversation away from a legitimate epidemic of police violence against Black folks to a conversation that has been long since debunked. Black on Black crime is a creation by majority powers, in the way that there is very little difference in the rate of Black people killing black people and whit people killing white people or Asian people killing Asian people. The reality is the historically black people have been pathologized and you have been conditioned to be more critical of statistics that criminalize Black folks. 

3) the manner you approached this situation is considered a microaggression. I would suggest you read the work of Dr. Derald Wing Sue. You essentially invalidated Black pain by ignoring a request to not engage by directly engaging and then suggested that the anger or pain was misplaced in suggesting that Black Lives Matter (i.e. Black folks) should really be mad at themselves for the circumstances that they live under

4) You committed an additional microaggression by assuming that my response to you would be to cuss you or call you names. I am unsure why you would assume that I, who doesn't know you, would directly curse you or treat you poorly. It appears that you entered this situation with a preconceived expectation of me... Relying on a history of prejudice, I can only assume you thought I would be an angry black woman. 

5) having Black friends doesn't not absolve you from the ability to have implicit bias or function within a system of racism. These things are not mutually exclusive. This is yet another form of microaggression 

I hope that you are truly as interested in changing the world as you suggest that you are. If you would truly like to be an ally in this struggle or anyone else's, please reflect on what I have said here and look into the resources that I have suggested. 

Recognize that for me to write this response to you, I have had to try really hard to put my pain and anxiety to the side to provide education for you. Recognize that this has cost me something. 

Be blessed

Like · Reply · 31 · July 6 at 10:44pm · Edited

Monica Johnson http://world-trust.org/.../7-Racial-Microagressions-in...

Like · Reply · 1 · July 6 at 10:47pm

Nzingha Dugas Monica Johnson I was writing something similar in my head, as I was triggered by her question and all the forthcoming responses--another form of re-traumatizing Black folks after a tragedy. And yet you outlined it with historical and environmental perfection. 🙏🏽

Like · Reply · 5 · July 6 at 11:12pm

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